the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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