I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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