i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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