Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
