Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
