I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
And then he peed in my hair
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