Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
