I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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