My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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