im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
