I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
