Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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