Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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