and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
