What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
