i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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