I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
