can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
