nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
