im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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