so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
