when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
