she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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