They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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