How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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