Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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