man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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