ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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