I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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