I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
