Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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