I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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