Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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