the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You're like the curious george of whores
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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