just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
