Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
