yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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