Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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