I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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