I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
