Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
