I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were trust falling into bushes
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
