A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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