clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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