Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
my poor anus
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
