I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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