I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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