you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
