I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Let's get the cat blown out
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
