Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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