I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
