Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
