oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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