I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
