just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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