We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
