That's when you crack a 10am beer
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize