You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Boobs speak an international language.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
