Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
