Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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