I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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