she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i think my cat just said my name.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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